“How well am I bringing love to the world in this state of exhaustion?”
What if we learned to live and give from a selfull life?
Selfullness– Filling the self from the inside so that authenticity overflows to the outside or fulfilling the values which motivate healthy outward action.
Picture a life where your needs and desires matter; in fact, they are really important. It is a life where you eat well and work out because you honor the needs of your body. You say “no” to another volunteering opportunity at the school so you can meet up with some of your closest friends. You stay home when you are sick and take a vacation when you need it. Not a life filled with obligation, guilt, and duty, but one of fullness… creating a life that works for you as well as those you love.
When we are full inside the ways in which we give love back to the world are much more full, rich, and meaningful to both the giver and receiver. This is the practice of selfullness. Here are the top 5 ways to becoming a selfull person:
- Acknowledge that you have needs and desires (and then do them).
Painting En plein air by Giandomenico Jardella is licensed under CC BY 4.0
You may have a need for close friends or consistent exercise in your life. You may have a desire for travel or to take time to be in nature. You may love to cook or paint or sing. Somehow you never seem to find time for these life-giving activities. These are really important things for you to do to be well in this world. Start a list of 10 things you need or desire in your life. These should be things that make you feel ALIVE and FULL. Now go out and do them. No excuses – even if you have to start slowly by adding them in one at a time. This is your life; you best enjoy it.
- Create a life of wellness.
It is pretty hard to feel overflowing with love to share with the world if you are not sleeping enough, moving your body, or eating good quality food. When your body is feeling bad it puts a drain on your whole system. You probably already know what you need to do to feel well. Don’t be afraid to hire a trainer or nutritional coach to provide accountability for you to do the steps that will make you feel well. - Learn to say “No”.
So many of us are in the habit of saying yes without even thinking it through. We often don’t pause to decide if we actually want to participate in the thing we are so quick to say yes to. Start practicing the statement, “I will have to get back to you on that one.” When you step away from the person or opportunity you can better decide whether or not you are full enough to make a commitment. If it feels draining, overwhelming, or like something you really don’t want to do, then say no. As my colleague Laura Burkett often says, “make sure it feels like a hell yes.”
If we have the habit of saying “yes” to everyone and everything then there will never be enough time for you! The more you say yes, the more people will ask of you. Learning how much you can give and learning to say no is crucial to a life of fullness and selfullness. - Practice creating win-wins in your life.
Of course you are not the only one with needs! Your kids and husband and friends have them as well. In the old “selfish” vs. “selfless” model it is often seen as one person getting their needs met at the expense of the other person not having their needs met. As you develop your ability to identify and express your needs it will becomes easier for you to create more win-wins in your life. Instead of feeling exhausted and then demanding that your needs be met, or selflessly denying your needs for another, try to create a win-win. Practice expressing what you would like and then asking the other person what they ideally would want. You will be surprised at how, with a little creativity and good listening, you can create plans that often meet the needs of the whole family. - Ask for Help.
We are all trying to figure this life out and it helps to have some help. Most of us will greatly benefit from hiring someone to help us sort things out – a marriage counselor, trainer, naturopath, life coach? It is hard to see what we need to investigate or rethink in our own lives without some outside help. To look outside of ourselves and invite a professional in provides an opportunity to see our “problems” from another angle. To meet with someone who is an advocate for you and your wellness can be an incredible gift on this journey toward the selfull life.
Author: Micah McLaughlin is a Naturopathic Practitioner specializing in the integration of the body and mind. In 2008 he founded Continuum Healing, a holistic health clinic located in Grand Rapids, MI.